Metro Daily News CLASSIFIEDS
Lost: Leather briefcase containing items of extreme sentimental value only. If found return to locker C0123 at Pole Station in the next - glork it - 47 minutes or don’t bother.
Offer of Employment: Seeking candidates with short-term work of a confidential nature. A wide variety of skill-sets will be considered. Generous bonus on successful completion. Applicants should arrive at apartment C, 47th floor, Magnolia Towers by midnight tomorrow evening. Mind the puddles. Wear dark clothing. Come alone.
Anxious? Trouble sleeping? Wouldn’t you feel better if that delicate situation you’ve been worrying about were, instead, an unidentifiable smear on a concrete surface? Look no further, help is here. The source of your chronic tension will be reconceived as a set of disorganized molecules adrift in the warm waters of the New Pacific, soon to go their separate ways. No problem too small or large. Discretion guaranteed.
For Sale: One (1) working human brain, slightly worn, one careful owner. Brain is in excellent condition and has been well maintained with a full medical record. Owner has upgraded to the latest NIRWA cyber-cortex. Brain is perfect as a backup sentience, for parts or for any AI wanting to experience the benefits of human intelligence without the ‘squidgy bits’. Please note this brain is for sale on a first-come, first-served basis and no refunds.